So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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