My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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