you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
