Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize