They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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