What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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