you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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