Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
His nipple licking is glorious
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