I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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