i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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