Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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