A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
