I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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