i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
