Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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