i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
