remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
