i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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