I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I believe in your delicious
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
