I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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