i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
