So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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