I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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