If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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