Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
