Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
