bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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