You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Randomize
