Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
