YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
