ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
