she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
