Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
