dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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