im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
