just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
