I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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