Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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