She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
