well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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