im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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