I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
