drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
