Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
