Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
