Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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