i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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