As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
