I just gift wrapped bread.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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