I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize