i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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