If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
