Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
this is an emotional support booty call
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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