Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
