I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
