my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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