Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
