The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize