My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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